Clint VS Chair

Everyone is all a buzz over the internet about Clint Eastwood’s speech to a chair at the Republican National Convention, In case you missed it here is the full transcript of that speech:

(Mr. Eastwood)

So, Mr. Chair, how do you handle promises that you have made when you were running for election, and how do you handle them?

(Chair)

I don’t know I’m just a chair, give me a break.

(Mr. Eastwood)

I mean, what do you say to people? Do you just -- you know -- I know -- people were wondering -- you don’t -- handle that OK. Well, I know even people in your own party were very disappointed when you didn’t close Gitmo. And I thought, well closing Gitmo -- why close that, we spent so much money on it. But, I thought maybe as an excuse -- what do you mean shut up?

(Chair)

I mean shut the hell up you nut job, you just took me from the back storage room, drag me up here in front of all these people, and now your gunna start grilling me about things I had nothing to do with; what the hells wrong with you man?

(Mr. Eastwood)

OK, I thought maybe it was just because somebody had the stupid idea of trying terrorists in downtown New York City.

(Chair)

 I don’t know, I guess so, I mean no, and what the hell are you rambling on about any way?

(Mr. Eastwood)

I’ve got to hand it to you. I have to give credit where credit is due. You did finally overrule that finally. And that’s -- now we are moving onward. I know you were against the war in Iraq, and that’s okay. But you thought the war in Afghanistan was OK. You know, I mean -- you thought that was something worth doing. We didn’t check with the Russians to see how did it -- they did there for 10 years.

 (Chair)

Once again Mr. I’m just a chair ,I don’t know anything about no war in Afghanistan or who the hell the Russians are, I’ve been sittin in that back storage room for four years now minding my own business until you puttered in there and took me up here.

(Mr. Eastwood)

But we did it, and it is something to be thought about, and I think that, when we get to maybe -- I think you’ve mentioned something about having a target date for bringing everybody home. You gave that target date, and I think Mr. Romney asked the only sensible question, you know, he says, “Why are you giving the date out now? Why don’t you just bring them home tomorrow morning?”

(Chair)

Cool, whatever man, if it will make you shut up and go away, fine ,I did everything ,I’m a bad chair, blah blah blah, is that good enough for you man, feel real good about yourself asshole, jeees, can you just take me back to the store room now please!

(Mr. Eastwood)

And I thought -- I thought, yeah -- I am not going to shut up, it is my turn.

(Chair)

Oh god no please, I can’t take it anymore Mr., would you just smash me up, light me on fire , anything but ramble on for one more second, Help! Help! For the love of Christ would someone please just make him stop?

(Mr. Eastwood)

So anyway, we’re going to have -- we’re going to have to have a little chat about that. And then, I just wondered, all these promises -- I wondered about when the -- what do you want me to tell Romney? I can’t tell him to do that. I can’t tell him to do that to himself.

(Chair)

I don’t give a shit what you can or can’t do pall, you and Romney can go fuck yourselves, or better yet go fuck each other for all I care.

(Mr. Eastwood)

You’re crazy, you’re absolutely crazy. You’re getting as bad as Biden.

 (Chair)

Biden who? Yea right, I’m the one who’s crazy, this coming from someone who’s onstage arguing with a chair in front of thousands of people.

(Mr. Eastwood)

Of course we all know Biden is the intellect of the Democratic Party.

(Chair)

Once again, Biden Who?

(Mr. Eastwood)

Kind of a grin with a body behind it.

(Chair)

I’ve already told you twice pal, I’ve got no clue who this Biden guy you keep grilling me about is, would you just go away and leave me alone now please.

(Mr. Eastwood)

But I just think that there is so much to be done, and I think that Mr. Romney and Mr. Ryan are two guys that can come along. See, I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to the president, anyway.

(Chair)

Oh my god still, would a fat lady from the audience please come up here and sit on me to help muffle the sound of this guy, I’m serious.

(Mr. Eastwood)

I think attorneys are so busy -- you know they’re always taught to argue everything, and always weight everything -- weigh both sides.

(Chair)

Ok, that’s it, I’ve tried being reasonable with you Mr. but I’m done playing, talk all you want jabber mouth but I’m not going to respond any more.

 (Mr. Eastwood)

They are always devil’s advocating this and bifurcating this and bifurcating that. You know all that stuff. But, I think it is maybe time -- what do you think -- for maybe a businessman. How about that?

(Chair)

--Silence—

(Mr. Eastwood)

A stellar businessman. Quote, unquote, “a stellar businessman.”

(Chair)

--Silence—

(Mr. Eastwood)

And I think it’s that time. And I think if you just step aside and Mr. Romney can kind of take over. You can maybe still use a plane.

(Chair)

Oh come on man really-uuuuurrrrr!

(Mr. Eastwood)

Though maybe a smaller one. Not that big gas guzzler you are going around to colleges and talking about student loans and stuff like that.

(Chair)

I’m not listening to you—la la la la lalalalala! I can’t hear you LALALALALA!

(Mr. Eastwood)

You are an -- an ecological man. Why would you want to drive that around?

(Chair)

Somebody please have mercy, you guys are heartless bastards, and I hope you all rot in hell

 (Mr. Eastwood)

OK, well anyway. All right, I’m sorry. I can’t do that to myself either.

(Chair)

Sure you are pal, somehow I don’t believe you.

(Mr. Eastwood)

I would just like to say something, ladies and gentlemen. Something that I think is very important. It is that, you, we -- we own this country.

(Chair)

Whatever, talk to leg because the seat aint listening!

(Mr. Eastwood)

We -- we own it. It is not you owning it, and not politicians owning it. Politicians are employees of ours.

(Chair)

Yep I get it, done yet

(Mr. Eastwood)

And -- so -- they are just going to come around and beg for votes every few years. It is the same old deal. But I just think it is important that you realize , that you’re the best in the world. Whether you are a Democrat or Republican or whether you’re libertarian or whatever, you are the best. And we should not ever forget that. And when somebody does not do the job, we got to let them go.

(Chair)

Holy crap this guy runs on.

(Mr. Eastwood)

Okay, just remember that. And I’m speaking out for everybody out there. It doesn’t hurt, we don’t have to be

(Chair)

It’s hurting me pal, it’s hurting me.

(Mr. Eastwood)

I do not say that word anymore. Well, maybe one last time.

(Chair)

Anybody else looking at their watch.

(Mr. Eastwood)

We don’t have to be -- what I’m saying, we do not have to be metal (ph) masochists and vote for somebody that we don’t really even want in office just because they seem to be nice guys or maybe not so nice guys, if you look at some of the recent ads going out there, I don’t know.

(APPLAUSE)
But OK. You want to make my day?
(APPLAUSE)
All right. I started, you finish it. Go ahead.
AUDIENCE: Make my day!
EASTWOOD: Thank you. Thank you very much.
(APPLAUSE)

(Chair)

Thank god it’s over; I’m never coming out of the storage closet again.